Bizarre love triangle.

'Every time I think of you / I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue / It's no problem of mine / But it's a problem I find / Living a life that I can't leave behind / I feel fine and I feel good / I'm feeling like I never should / Whenever I get this way' - New Order
Impromptu plans with the darling Daniela // A day of art-scoping, tranquility, juice and relieving insight.

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Feel.


  Being an open book - is it a curse? I've always been a open person. I enjoy leaving a piece of myself wherever I go. When people open up to me or offer a slice of themselves, I never take it for granted or see them as weak. It only validates the fact that they're more human. I think opening up with one another unifies us on an unspeakable level. For someone like me, having so many thoughts that are unfathomable - to perhaps more than half the human race - leave me with questions and doubts in my hands. Often, this is followed by disappointment of lacking reciprocation. Welcome, the unwelcome woes. It’s all part of the forgotten innermost workings of my brain. Believe me, I try to refrain from being too overwhelmed by my feelings. 'Oh, stop thinking so much!' they say and sigh, but it's not very easy to stop. These feelings, they're a part of me.

  Perhaps the more I dish out, the more I expect to receive. That's it, exactly. I inherently let expectations surround my relations with others. In honesty, I don't expect a whole lot from people I become close to. Is mutual effort, respect, trust, care and a genuine bond too much to ask for? And once all those are checked off the list and I finally feel at ease, they take turns disappearing - whether it be physically or emotionally. It's either a great blow in the form of unprecedented events, or simply their fading involvement in my life. This is my dilemma. I understand I should never have to rely on others to keep the doubt at bay, but how can one whom is intrinsically a people person survive? I rarely seek benefits from myself when alone. It's a withdrawal, leading myself to reassess it all.

  I end up blaming myself but at the end of the day, I know I am not at fault. (Sometimes I stray from that reality check, I can't help it.) I can't fault anyone. After all, I did everything in my power to sustain the relationship; in fact, you shouldn't have to incessantly try with people whom love you. As such, I am let down a great deal of times due to enstrangement. I don't know if it's a recurring cause behind this, or simply bad luck. At this point I am torn. My pages have been nothing but left askew and unrecovered, from some having been ripped out.

'I know you're keeping to your own sound, you're running out of sight when the light goes down.' - Bombay Bicycle Club

  It's so bittersweet, this ongoing journey - 2014, you were only just in my grasp - as if it were again, the beginning of endings. I'm not sure what sorts of antics and monumental times I can foresee about the rest of the year, truly. (Believe me, if I could I probably would.) All I know is that I am was determined to live in the now with minimal frustrations and woes, before time were to pass by. But I'm a total failure with that. I always revisit the past and am haunted by premonitions. It's hypocrisy at its finest: I advise people to not having any regrets but I myself have plentiful. I hold onto halcyon days and lustfully idealise them till the absence of it in present day hurts. It's difficult to rid myself of the past I was indulged in, to look at where I am today and admit this.

  The loved ones I know are the ones who bring me to the edge. Everyone hurts.

  It's such a rut. Sometimes I can get embarrassed by such surging emotions. I know others can't seem to deal with the calibre by which I am devoted to these relations. I value people highly and it's heartwrenching when not returned. I'll put too much thought into something, for someone and when it goes haywire, I feel as if a fool. I have to speak up, I have to make amends, and I have to cut ties, - all to look out for myself, too. It seems to mount to nothing. I'll have to apologise for it, and soon I'll be apologising for everything. (For my feelings and thoughts, my entire existence even.) Pardon me though, as I always reminisce; I'm always feeling.

  Feeling what? I don't know. I'd scramble for words to describe them yet they're a range, really. These feelings flash before me and conflict, metamorphosing to find their ways to track me physically; I can't run nor hide. Maybe I'm getting it all wrong, but my attempts line up next to one another and taunt me. They don't point and laugh, they don't smile. There is silence. They go by without a care in the world.

  The right people at the wrong time. Feeling the wrong way at the wrong time. I just want to feel right.

'And the world went on, but I'd always knew you'd come.' - Bombay Bicycle Club

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White noise.


  Over the span of seven days, I successively managed to injure myself in more ways than one. If you were to inspect me you'd notice cuts to my fingers, bruises on my knees (from a fall right after waking up - hah!). It may come as a surprise, but I'm basically the most injury/illness-prone person I know. I've been a blubbery mess and the unwilling host of tonsillitis, alleviated head tension and *drumroll* anxiety. I had a period 0 test on Thursday; due to uncontrollable noise, I found it difficult to focus, and soon breathing and the urge to almost start crying became evident. It came as a shock to me as it hadn't ever properly happened, all at once.

  Funnily, school isn't the primary cause of it, yet more rather an underestimated trigger: noise. I've noticed similar bodily responses when I'm tired and can't sleep - anxiety builds up inside of me and my head will throb, followed by tears. It's excruciating, the physical control you lose over yourself. It strikes me as odd because despite being a heavy thinker, I am quite calm in my approach to school. I'm still figuring this out, and trying not to let these symptoms deter me. (Watching The Theory of Everything before bed last night probably didn't help the flu congestion bit, but oh well! I give 4 stars, by the way.)


  Anyway. On a more positive front, school hasn't been entirely drastic. Only mildly, haha. A range of new songs have kept me in one piece for the past month. It hasn't failed to sooth me in the most torrential of times, when I've been nothing but a hot mess. So do listen to Anyway, by an up-and-coming Melbourne washed out jazz hop duo. I can't wait to see what else Slum Sociable comes up with.

  I'm not sure where I'm going with this post, really, but the long weekend is over and it's back to the study life. March looks semi-promising though, and quite frankly, I just wanted to say hi to you all. I've missed you, and with our lives I think we can all agree that life can get out-of-hand sometimes. There's so many words I want to share, and feelings I want to communicate - yet I haven't got to the process of arranging them together. I just wanted to get that off my chest. As for blogging, I just haven't had the knack for it these days. Otherwise, I hope all is well with you all and here's some footage from my late January. It's long over-due!

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Back to school tips with Modern Day Chic!


  Today's post is something a bit different. The lovely Chantel from Modern Day Chic had been looking for collaboration opportunities and I just had to get in touch. Together we have a handful of tips for back-to-school, amongst the influx of similarly-themed posts. Just click here to read her tips! We understand you may have heard some of these before, and we feel as if there is no harm in reinforcing/sharing them.) As we have both recently started Year 11, we strive to take school more seriously. I can't deny that it's been more than overwhelming. But school can get you places, even if it not necessarily the only way to your desired path. It may be seen as a chore or more than tedious, yet you can have it under your wing with certain approaches. Hopefully these tips may be of help, especially if you're experiencing the back-to-school season too!

Find your motivation, and remember it. What motivates you? Where do you want to go? These are the big questions, I admit, but you should simply be doing subjects you enjoy. That's already a factor for natural motivation. Compared to previous years, I find myself more willed to work hard in my classes. Why? Because I decided to take classes that appeal to me. Don't feel obliged to take the subjects everyone else is taking, nor the ones you detest.
If you're ever left reeling and questioning your very presence in school, think long-term motivation. Where could your determined input in school take you? Could it kickstart your dream career or add to the possibility of that life you wish to lead? When I went to Melbourne, it kicked some perspective right in me and gave me an idea of what direction I want to go in. To even remotely make it in a vast city like Melbourne would be a dream, and I know that good grades would be handy.
Make use of the school resources available to you. Get your books from the library! Lighten your carry-on load with lockers! Listen to your teachers! I cannot stress this enough. In the classroom, I myself may find some difficulty in keeping focused myself, but I try not to take for granted the amount of effort teachers invest into their classes. Most teachers are doing their job not just for monetary gain, but because they genuinely are passionate about teaching. Learn to appreciate your teachers rather than scorn at them, as it only makes it easier both relations-wise and study-wise.

Take initiative - for yourself, because no one else will. It only makes things easier for yourself. Writing things down and compiling a list always helps me. (Oh, where would I be if I didn't have a planner to aid me the organisation of work? Nowhere, basically.) Let's say if you missed a slide, asking your teacher for the Powerpoint would be beneficial. You could complete your notes, and revise on it later. If you're starting a new chapter/unit of a course, read up the basis and terms of it prior to classtime. And ask questions! Ask as many as you like, really. Don't be shy or worry about potentially looking lost, there is nothing wrong with learning or correcting your wrongs.

Be tech-savvy. You should most definitely use technology to your advantage. It's a huge part of our lives, so why not let that tool serve you for school? (That rhymed.) For example, if I've one too many heavy textbooks to take home, I'll snap a quick photo of the questions from my math book and set an alarm to refer to it for completion. Personally, I also think video summaries are excellent with refreshing your memory. Being an audio and visual learner, I enjoy the medium of such videos. It's a great choice when you want a less stressful study technique; all you have to do is listen. I wholeheartedly recommend CrashCourseSchool of Life and other educational Youtubers.
Another good way to study is through flashcards. I just started using the app Quizlet, and it's been immensely helpful thus far. Whether I'm on the way to school or simply waiting for something, I can pull out my phone and flick through my digital flashcards. Technology is also great for taking on quizzes - gradually, under a timeframe if you'd like! - and searching for your curriculum resources.
Surround yourself with positive influences. By that, I mean your physical and social surroundings. When I say this, I refer to perhaps music or an inviting study set-up, and friends whom have good study habits. Do you study well with silence, or noise? With friends or by yourself? If you absolutely know that you get distracted studying with friends, then be honest with yourself and avoid doing so. Coming from a school that takes academia very seriously, I can say that most of the population know how to prioritise study. Last year during exam time I was extremely surprised to see peers dedicated to switching off online, spending hours writing notes and keeping a one-track mind - all for their own self-study. It made me question my own laziness and hence I definitely noticed an increase in my work ethic. Heck yeah, talk about peer improvement.

  On that last note, take a break! Don't be too hard on yourself. Everything is good in moderation. By letting school dominate your life, you can often lose sight of yourself and what you enjoy. So sit back, get rested or get outside (or inside) and do what you love.

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