Musical Muses #6-#7 // calm, hidden affliction.

   I've been absent here for more days than I count on both hands. I've just been out of my head. The first half of my term holidays had been a hell of a week - more often than not, it was comprised of inescapable tumult and pandemonium. Every day had me waking up to some sort of ruckus, and by the time I'd tuck myself in I'd be too mentally exhausted to create nothing but negative thoughts. It's vague recount but all in good reason. (I promise plenty of photos will be up of my travels! Perhaps not for the present time being.) I'm just glad to be home now, back in this quiet sleepy town. Calmness is such a precious commodity. On days where my mind had failed to take me to a better place, music had helped me. Immensely.
  Here's a two-part playlist compilation, of songs that channel more than relatable emotion. The first playlist, hidden affliction, was created in early March and includes my favourite picks at the time. The second playlist, c a l m, is an evolved repercussion of that. You may notice difference between the two, but they were both harmonious during my time away. Therefore, I thought it'd be only fitting to not share one without the other. It is beyond me how music manages to lessen discord and simultaneously fill the void. I earnestly hope you can let these tracks deliver serenity, just as they have for me.
Want to keep listening? You can find the playlists c a l m and hidden affliction over on my Spotify.


Warm // pretty thoughts.

Doubt vs recognising your ability
  Just recently we had Craig Silvey, author of the acclaimed novel Jasper Jones, visit our school for a Q&A session. His thoughts and perspective were intriguing, but clear as day. He spoke words of volume, and came across far more life-like than we could ever have fathomed. It was great, overall. One of the key things he mentioned that really stuck with me is the battle of doubt. Having writing as an occupation, as I'd imagine, would be nothing short of constant worry over the content produced. Likewise with our own projects and relations. Would it meet the standards? Would this appeal to my audience/will they like it? What could I possibly gain out of this single fragment of an idea? In many aspects, the notion of doubt applies to every single one of us. We've all doubted ourselves and our projects from time to time. So when someone posed a question asking him to expand on this topic, he brought up an equally triumphant contender.

  Recognising your ability. You are the creator, of both your ability and doubt. You are in charge of how much either manifestations influence you. You can choose to remain stagnant about this doubt, or you can choose to assess this doubt in the form of constructive criticism.

  In striking a balance, allow a healthy amount of doubt to further revise and improve your ability. This is such a crucial message, in contemporary times like this where people are competitive in surfacing to the top. Especially since many people, unwillingly, get sucked into having their self-worth depreciated. Don't let your doubt erode away what you're truly capable of.

This shall not pass
Shout-out to Alena for being one of those golden people whom always make my day.

  Have you ever been compelled to contact an old friend? Well, put your thoughts at bay and just do it. Often we wish for social occurrences to happen but never quite ask for them. Strike up a conversation or call him/her for a long-awaited chat. Suggest you grab some food and catch up on each other's lives, or do something together you both love. Chances are, the other party have had similar thoughts. Reconnecting with friends is one of the most heartwarming things you could treat yourself to. Denying yourself and your loved ones that opportunity is a waste. Life is almost too short, in that we spend hours, days and even months, years, worrying about how we'd appear if we were to be the first one to speak.

  Trust me, someone out there is thinking of you. Don't be afraid to be the one initiating. Really, what have you to lose?

Keep pushing

 You'll get there - exactly where you want to be. Just keep pushing, keep trying. Take a step back, take a moment. As many as you like. Whatever it takes for you to know how to get there.  And if not, fate will take care of it for you. One way or another it'll have you happy you tried in the first place. I can almost guarantee it.

  Here we go again, let's make it different this time.


Bizarre love triangle.

'Every time I think of you / I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue / It's no problem of mine / But it's a problem I find / Living a life that I can't leave behind / I feel fine and I feel good / I'm feeling like I never should / Whenever I get this way' - New Order
Impromptu plans with the darling Daniela // A day of art-scoping, tranquility, juice and relieving insight.



  Being an open book - is it a curse? I've always been a open person. I enjoy leaving a piece of myself wherever I go. When people open up to me or offer a slice of themselves, I never take it for granted or see them as weak. It only validates the fact that they're more human. I think opening up with one another unifies us on an unspeakable level. For someone like me, having so many thoughts that are unfathomable - to perhaps more than half the human race - leave me with questions and doubts in my hands. Often, this is followed by disappointment of lacking reciprocation. Welcome, the unwelcome woes. It’s all part of the forgotten innermost workings of my brain. Believe me, I try to refrain from being too overwhelmed by my feelings. 'Oh, stop thinking so much!' they say and sigh, but it's not very easy to stop. These feelings, they're a part of me.

  Perhaps the more I dish out, the more I expect to receive. That's it, exactly. I inherently let expectations surround my relations with others. In honesty, I don't expect a whole lot from people I become close to. Is mutual effort, respect, trust, care and a genuine bond too much to ask for? And once all those are checked off the list and I finally feel at ease, they take turns disappearing - whether it be physically or emotionally. It's either a great blow in the form of unprecedented events, or simply their fading involvement in my life. This is my dilemma. I understand I should never have to rely on others to keep the doubt at bay, but how can one whom is intrinsically a people person survive? I rarely seek benefits from myself when alone. It's a withdrawal, leading myself to reassess it all.

  I end up blaming myself but at the end of the day, I know I am not at fault. (Sometimes I stray from that reality check, I can't help it.) I can't fault anyone. After all, I did everything in my power to sustain the relationship; in fact, you shouldn't have to incessantly try with people whom love you. As such, I am let down a great deal of times due to enstrangement. I don't know if it's a recurring cause behind this, or simply bad luck. At this point I am torn. My pages have been nothing but left askew and unrecovered, from some having been ripped out.

'I know you're keeping to your own sound, you're running out of sight when the light goes down.' - Bombay Bicycle Club

  It's so bittersweet, this ongoing journey - 2014, you were only just in my grasp - as if it were again, the beginning of endings. I'm not sure what sorts of antics and monumental times I can foresee about the rest of the year, truly. (Believe me, if I could I probably would.) All I know is that I am was determined to live in the now with minimal frustrations and woes, before time were to pass by. But I'm a total failure with that. I always revisit the past and am haunted by premonitions. It's hypocrisy at its finest: I advise people to not having any regrets but I myself have plentiful. I hold onto halcyon days and lustfully idealise them till the absence of it in present day hurts. It's difficult to rid myself of the past I was indulged in, to look at where I am today and admit this.

  The loved ones I know are the ones who bring me to the edge. Everyone hurts.

  It's such a rut. Sometimes I can get embarrassed by such surging emotions. I know others can't seem to deal with the calibre by which I am devoted to these relations. I value people highly and it's heartwrenching when not returned. I'll put too much thought into something, for someone and when it goes haywire, I feel as if a fool. I have to speak up, I have to make amends, and I have to cut ties, - all to look out for myself, too. It seems to mount to nothing. I'll have to apologise for it, and soon I'll be apologising for everything. (For my feelings and thoughts, my entire existence even.) Pardon me though, as I always reminisce; I'm always feeling.

  Feeling what? I don't know. I'd scramble for words to describe them yet they're a range, really. These feelings flash before me and conflict, metamorphosing to find their ways to track me physically; I can't run nor hide. Maybe I'm getting it all wrong, but my attempts line up next to one another and taunt me. They don't point and laugh, they don't smile. There is silence. They go by without a care in the world.

  The right people at the wrong time. Feeling the wrong way at the wrong time. I just want to feel right.

'And the world went on, but I'd always knew you'd come.' - Bombay Bicycle Club


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