Past lives.

  I can't find the words to describe it. It's all so new yet familiar - that's how it always been, from the start. Natural. For someone who usually finds her way with words, I'm almost lost when it comes to doing you justice. Despite all the time I've spent with you it doesn't quite feel like enough. We're both conditioned to a life away from each other, stripped of physical time together, and hence deprived of growth. You're always a text or phone call away. You're always there. And the more moments I have with you, the more I'm reminded of why we fell into this beautiful mess.

 It's a blessing, to have someone who just gets it – that's the best feeling of all. Someone so willing to accept, put their heart out on the line, and give unconditionally. I've never met anyone as selfless, as humane, or as caring as you. What was I to expect the day I walked into the most miraculous accident of my life? Meeting you was the first extraordinary step. You've made me appreciate everything more, including myself and my self-perceived flaws. You've made light where it's dark. You've made it into my heart and mind.

time stamps
Today I found myself falling for you again in all the ways I did at the start. Just seeing you struck something in me and it felt kind of like home (best way I can describe it). I don't even know why considering I'd seen you quite recently, actually. I just saw those eyes again.
I’ve known you for a grand total of 3 months. We both know that’s incredibly insane considering how far we’ve come. It’s a ridiculous amount of time for anyone to get to know each other and dive into a romantic relationship together. However, I now know that’s the beauty of it. Why slow down anything that’s progressing so well?
These days I find myself falling for you over and over again - just like the old times. I’d feel that one feeling in the pit of my stomach, just the kind you can’t wish away. A feeling of longing and comfort that only you provide. The sparks we had initially have made their way to me at the most random intervals, especially when we’re doing the littlest of things.
Everything that you feel - I feel it too. I have felt it, and continuously do. You understand me very well - of course you do, they’d also be emotions familiar to you. I think I sometimes forget what makes you and I so compatible  – our overlapping adversities, and the beauty we unknowingly reap in the sadness. There’s an art to being in the dark, something so unique no one could match it. You come pretty close though. I wouldn’t be dancing in the dark with anyone, apart from you. (Though I do enjoy dancing a fair bit.)

I know that’s no cure for our interspersed blues, nor can one truly have their effect on another. The possession of a significant other does not resolve one’s woes. Having you doesn’t take me away from my intrinsic misery, but it helps. You make me content with the present.


  Oh how quickly time flies. Half a year of knowing you, when really, it feels like I've known you all along.


Deckchairs on the moon.


  These days I've become more of a recluse, of sorts. I'm more of an observer. Life is just passing me by and I'm left with less motivation than ever. The social realm surrounding me feels muddled. I'm irrational. I don't really know where I am anymore, or where I'm going. I've settled into the quotidian routine to perhaps distract myself from my lack of. (Lack of what? I don't know.) I feel stifled but my fear of missing out has greatly dissipated. I feel as if I'm stepping on everyone's toes. I try to find the right words to speak, but I can't.

(Missed me? didn't think so.) Here's the lowdown.
  • We've moved. (and as a result, a specific phobia has intensified. It hasn't been great.)
  • On Valentine's Day we adopted a shelter dog. Her name's Honey and she is a truly beautiful girl, albeit cheeky. She's very dear to us; not only has she brought joy to our lives, but she's also brought my Mum and I closer together. We have so much love for her, and vice versa, but every new beginning comes with complications. What started off as being overly protective became unpredictable aggression (to other dogs and people), which poses a genuine problem day-to-day. Just thinking about everything that could go wrong (if training doesn't help) is on my mind right now. She has redeeming moments but I hope she'll learn to live without distress.
  • I've been doing a lot of crying. Just thinking about things makes me cry. As much as it is cathartic, it's also deeply inconvenient.
  • Ran a lot of self-errands. Trying to better myself with organization, or so it seems. I have so much to do and so many obstacles that stand in my way, with ultimately, one to name - myself.
  Things feel bleak. They really do. Apathy infused with hypersensitivity is a terrible tonic.

  I'll say it. I'm scared for living. The uneasiness gets in the way all the time.


Middle // space.

I am relapsing  
to the inexorable processes of time  
The series of an otherworldly crime  
A crime, to myself as it seems  

Our blood is constantly  
curdling, every sound  
is a second I'm ignoring  

I've gripped the blade too close  
Minutes elapse against  
an asphyxiating hold  

and I hang  
Right in the middle,  
of a mind out of its being  
A mind out of its mind  

A land outside of time  
slowly, it's been harder  
To know where I am  

In this hollow glory  
of distractions, crêpe-like  
fractions of thought  
 Then I see the grapefruit pink
 light taking over your cheeks
 after so many weeks

 Should we have to feel so bleak?

 On my own i've figured out
 I'm just scared,
 irrational, wired to expect

 the choke of my hands.
 Beside you
 I don't know what to say

 When you look at me that way
 I'm not breathing

 I wish that I could turn back
 the time, to a time
 when everything

 was alright, when
 I was still breathing


5 STEPS TO // Weeding Out Toxic Friendships.

  It's 2016! It's a new year, a new you, as they all say. It's that time where almost everyone chooses to reinvent and/or work on themselves, in pursuit of a more fulfilled living. Of course, it's undoubtedly favourable to focus on self-improvement. Most things in life boil down to the essence of you as a person. By being your own functional person, your aspirations are more readily attainable. With the new year, you patently analyse what you've done - and how you do things better. Often we find that we harbour bad habits that are hard to kick, or we don't do enough to achieve our desired state of living.

  But what if it's not you that's holding yourself back? What if it's (dare I say it) other people?
  A colossal move for me in the year 2015 was letting go - which, goes without saying, meant certain friendships, too. And with good reason, it was for my sake. I had learnt: Relations with others are worth holding onto until you have to compromise yourself, despite having sought mutual resolution. Leaving a friendship or relationship does not define you, or rather imply a sense of carelessness. That's what many people forget. They forget to realise relationships are more influential than they appear to be. They forget to look out for themselves. Therefore, ongoing toxic friendships beget day-to-day ambivalence. By allowing these to continue, you expose yourself to negativity that you really don't need in your life.


A huge shoutout to my readers who acknowledge my efforts, and continue to spur me on. I can't thank you enough! The words I receive in turn are so heartwarming. To have come so far from a homemade blog back in 2011, to know that I have reached out to others - it fills me with mirth; say, a cause for my existence. I hope you enjoy paging through this blog, as much as I find repose from pouring myself into it. And don't be shy, I'd really like to hear from you!

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