I am in a state of pure self-denial. These mixed feelings are back, emerging in the pit of my stomach and working their way up towards my heart. They claw at my heartstrings and force me into indignation. How timely, adding to the internal conflict that consumes me slowly. You see, the ambivalence has returned. It's made an appearance out of the blue, right when I'm in the happiest place I could be now. It's all too bittersweet, leaving me undecided. Don't get me wrong, I'm not particularly unhappy. I just hate it when these tenors hit me like that, in the most unexpected of times. It shows how vulnerable I am, inside and out. Some dismiss it just as a mood, but it's much more than that for me.
I hope it all goes away soon. I hope it's just another passing phase.
P.S. If you'd like to read this in a more light-hearted context, then you can just assume I'm talking about the finales of My Mad Fat Diary and How I Met Your Mother. I can't say I'm disappointed about the endings, nor can I say I'm satisfied. I can say, however, is that I can relate to the reality of them. I surely have the inability to make my mind up about matters.
P.P.S. I deleted my Instagram. Proud achievement, I think so. It was fun while it lasted, getting to catch up with other people's lives. After a while it grew tiresome worrying about my feed, followers, posting times, privacy settings etc. Safe to say I've eliminated yet another social media account that isn't wholly beneficial for me; my aim is prove that worthy moments do exist even without documentation. I mean, I haven't been blogging everything that's happened, there's just one after the next. I won't deny though that I'll miss all of you on there. I guess you'll just have to bear with me only being on Blogger and Bloglovin'.
YOU CAN ALSO FIND ME ON BLOGLOVIN // GFC // INSTAGRAM // SOUNDCLOUD // SPOTIFY
Oh Rachel, I hope you feel better soon. I was just thinking this morning that I hadn't seen anything of yours in a while and I should check out what I missed.
ReplyDeleteIt's a crazy thing that all of us have never met but while I'm going about my day to day life that you only see snippets of, I often think of you girls.
I will miss your comments on instagram :P haha but I have to say I often worry about privacy too. It's hard one! But kudos to you! A moment is definitely worthy without documentation and I hope that you have many worth remembering :)
If you ever want to talk about anything you might be going through in more detail, or just anything, feel free to email :) x
i'm behind on my mad fat diary but utterly horrified by what they did to how i met your mother. asdfghjklkjhgfds.
ReplyDeletehope you feel better <3 you can always ramble to me if you want.
It happens and sometimes you just ride it out, hope you feel better super soon though ♥ I was actually wondering why I hadn't seen your stuff on instagram in a while >.< But it doesn't matter, social networks only go so far x
ReplyDeletegirl! i wish i could just come over and take you out to frozen yogurt and photography adventures, but we live so far away! i was worried about you when i did not see you on instagram but now i understand! i shall email you immediately so that we can finally skype:)
ReplyDeleteOh Rachel!! I really hope you are feeling better. I feel like if you're a blogger, you're in this position where you have to decide who you want to portray online and people sometimes forget that it's impossible to show our best side all the time. Ever since I started doing yoga, I've learned how important it is to have control over your thoughts and just having a happy thought planted in your mind can easily change your outlook/perspective for the day. In other words, by waking up and telling yourself that you are going to enjoy your day today and it's non-negotiable. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so proud of you for deleting Instagram and deciding to take control over your life! I recently quit Twitter because I realized that it's not necessary to tell people what I'm doing or what's on my mind all the time. (Plus, who really cares?? Haha) I'm sure I will eventually quit Instagram and follow your footsteps! xx
PS. You can quit everything else but don't ever stop blogging!