'Do I still cross your mind? Your face still distorts the time.' - Neon Indian
I am compelled to write, so I shall treat myself to the privilege of another personal blog post.
Yet more words of empty nostalgia. There are cracks in these fragile memories, which I've gradually started to notice. Soon it'll mark a year's worth of intensely mixed feelings. I look at you, and there you are. You're completely untouched, even oblivious to the countless nights of unrest and emotional torment. Though, you will never understand how much you meant to me. Losing you was like a bullet to my brain; a scar engraved in my raw flesh.
Presently, I am morose. But for a few different reasons. This time round, those who are meant to be closest to me are the ones whom upset me greatly. These feelings consume me whole and soon I am back to where I was 365 days ago. But I was doing so well - once again it's terrible, helpless and cold inside. I know it may all be an illusion that my mind decides to trick me with, but I'm also scared it's all too true.
Aren't friends meant to make you feel better about yourself? What if they're the source of anguish and frustration? Who do you look for then, when the new people you seek are slowly vanishing one by one?
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Sometimes friends tear you down, even if that's not their intention. Since school ended for me (2009) I've just become more independent and don't rely on them like I used to because they always let me down. I enjoy the time I do get with them but they're not reliable at all.
ReplyDeleteYour writing is so beautiful by the way. You have a real knack for putting words together.
Thank you for comment, Erin, really. I'm glad that you're being realistic about this, I need more of a reality check than anything. It's enlightening to hear the perspective of someone older. I'm glad you feel that way about my writing style as well :)
Deletestay strong, m'dear. in times like these the best thing to do is keep true to yourself. x
ReplyDeletebtw, do you have facebook! I really enjoy reading your comments and would like to add you as a friend :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the uplifting words. And yes, I do! Add me at /theofficialrachel, I would love to talk to you :)
DeleteYou are a born poet ;) Don't worry Rachel, I still say you don't need them x
ReplyDeleteNot nearly as gifted as poetic Seryna, in my opinion. You're right, all a girl needs is a supply of adorable puppy videos. :3
DeleteThis is written so beautifully, i am in love. I understand how you feel about friends putting you down. Like Erin's comment above, after i finished high school (2011), i have become a lot more independent. I realised that most of my high school friends were not the people i thought were good for me. But friends come and go, just make sure you always make room for new ones.
ReplyDeleteOh man, I like it when people do really personal blogposts, yet I feel the struggle one must go through when you know who's reading (or might be reading) and not to be embarrassed of speaking your mind.
ReplyDeleteAnd I think you've done a great job, putting your feelings into words. I hate, hate, hate it when my friends are the ones that are the ones that upset me the most. I feel it's got to do something with expectation, or at least to me it is. I sometimes expect too much, too soon from a person/friend and they'll let me down without even knowing it. But that's my theory, I'm still learning... since I find great comfort in my friends a lot of times too. I'm just not good at opening up and speaking my mind.
Your writting is so beautiful!! I wish I could write like that!
ReplyDeleteI understand where you are coming from 100% I have had friends do that too me as well and I am in high school. what I did was just ignore the people who would not bring out the best in me. I have only 1 best friend and even though we don't talk that much anymore, I know I can go to her for anything. I think we all need just that 1 friend and we keep the rest at a distance because they can hurt us. =)
http://www.mybrokeneggshells.com
more or less, friends are temporary - put in your life for a reason before they (or you) move on. keep your chin up because you are too lovely to be sad. xx
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