Only ones who know.

Dear _________,

  This is my love letter to life, of sorts. It's that time of year to reflect in a grand manner. I have not properly written for a month now, and it seems I haven't had the overwhelming desire to. These days I've been occupied for hours on end, with every day offering nothing less than quality.

  See, the concept of another year seemed foreign. It had been fast encroaching and as much as I was aware, it's passed me by. I've been so caught up in enjoyment that it's crazy to think I've already spent a month out of school, and primarily in bliss. Ending the year on a a high note, the main agenda in this instance is to collate my thoughts. ('Cause that's just what I do, hey?) The last 2 months of 2015 have just been so wholesome and engaging. In no way would I have predicted this; day after day of diversion - more gigs, road trips, memorable nights, impromptu picnics, fam dinners... All of it has been of sheer brilliance.

  I've made it into 2016 with the most intricate, gorgeous souls. I don't think I could have done it without the rewarding company of both the old and new. I look at where I am today and marvel at the great unprecedented events leading up to this. It all started with unknowingly rekindling/forming friendships. Just with a dash of luck, I'd been gifted an infinite sum. It's funny to think back on how I may have made this all happen. I'd decided to do more things oriented to my interests, and gathered up my favourite people. We didn't know it at the time, but we'd all get along so well. We trooped to the Last Dinos' gig in search of a good time, and came out of it with new friends. These people have ended up being so involved in my prevalent state of happiness. And would you believe it? It sparked from a single shared love: music. We'd met up each following weekend and from thereon, we bloomed collectively. (As a group and individually.) I sure didn't realise it then but my life was taking a turn for the better. As a result of this, I've been able to be in the best place possible. I'm now centred, encircled by people who strive for the better for me. How fortunate am I to have secured some of the most solid friendships in existence.

  How did I deserve it all? Well (as I'm told), just by being myself. It's something I truly thank my lucky stars for. It's times like these where I can enjoy a comfortable silence - with others, and with myself. I have peace of mind, most of the time. (A state of higher order that seemed almost impossible to achieve with the way my 2015 had been going.) (Note that I am, in every aspect, genuine regarding what I am going to say. They say some things should be left unsaid but hey, I'm all about constant verbal expression.) For long, I had felt arrantly disconnected. The blood in my veins had begun to match the everyday blues, and colour had paled from my face. I was smiling but doing so with every piercing reservation. I'd been in limbo, sickly stifled and stuck in the void. I wasn't moving, nor living. The days were dull and unstimulating, and I owed my lack thereof to my own inadequacy. That's where it became fatal.

  I'd begun pulling myself apart. I hated feeling what I did. (How could I? It seemed I had no real problems.) The problem was ultimately me. They say you should always extract the problem, and I was so determined to to yank it by the root. I'd contemplated ending it all, and switching off to a quiet place forever. (Oh, an euphemism I'd thought so fondly of.) I was irrevocably helpless for a period of time because no matter what, I could not help myself. I was a hot mess. I couldn't find it within me, and as it seemed, others couldn't stick around either. I did have lifelines - yes, I did. I had many. I just didn't want to resort to them. I've succumbed to hopelessness and my self-convinced title as a burden. Yet with magical timing, the tables had turned. I don't know how, but I'm sure it began with me learning to stop suppressing.

  I am proud of being my own person. I am proud of who others are. I am proud to have them in my life, as I am in theirs. I am the epitome of sentience and I love it. I make a difference and I know damn well that I do. (Though I may spite myself, I need to realise I am human. We all second-guess ourselves. I just need to not let it get in the way.) Our adversities are unique but in some way, related. That's where we connect; the dots are traced and lined up seamlessly to create something unified. We're a beautiful, cluttered mess. In other words - we're all in this, together. Never should I allow myself to feel as I'm less or parallel to my tragedies. Never should I treat myself the way I wouldn't want others to treat me. I am alive and present. I need to be there for myself, so I can be there for all the significant people and moments in my life.

***

  What have I been doing these days? (The redundant question stands.)

  I've certainly been on my feet. Bare feet, running, sauntering, dancing. I've been writing letters - a rare medium I want to let others savour. I've shared words and opinions. I've shared kisses. I've shared drinks. I've shared tears (over the phone and in person). Most importantly, I've shared moments. It's been the real deal. Perhaps I was caught off guard when all this sharing became commonplace but, I can't imagine being my raw self any other way.

  You may know I have no qualms about being open. Absolutely none. I'm as open as can be. This, coupled with my own way of living and accepting, was well worth the risk of being vulnerable. I used to believe that I was too much of an open book. I now know I was quite wrong. If I hadn't experienced the lows, I wouldn't be able to appreciate the highs in such great depth. I wouldn't have been able to scale the heights I have now. 

  I never have New Year's resolutions. I don't end up abiding by them, since I feel that the turning over of a new leaf shouldn't necessarily rely on a brand new year. But I've thought of one simple, conclusive yet powerful resolution: Take my own advice. I am often told I give great advice, and it's about time I practise what I preach. (Oh, and get ample rest, too.)

  Someone dear once said to me: 'Your mind is one of the greatest Indra's nets I know.' It almost made me cry. I know the full weight of its meaning now. I am so glad I hung on for my own sake, and been dealt with strength. It's fact that I'm prone to have things weigh on my mind, and in 2015, I'd finally learnt to let go. I'd learnt so much about staying honest/true to myself. It's been the most endearing and relieving revelation. For once, it all feels right.

  I hope 2016 will be another golden year for us.

All my love,

Rachel x

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