(really couldn't think of a more creative title but) it's the end of an era: no more high school, no more superficial drama
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Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
The hedonist.
1. A plethora of cool evenings and sunsets // 2. a picnic or two // 3. adopting Honey from the RSPCA // 4. live music galore
5. best mates' ball pre's' // 6. had the pleasure of attending my boyfriend's ball // 7. beach time + alluring sunsets
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Always blue.
I've been appreciating this 3-day dose of colder weather. It's been in the late 20s in lieu of the usual high 30s. With that in mind, I'm appraising the usual heat. / Summer is dashing by quickly, and proving to be of felicity. This disposition is priceless; it's poetic justice. (I could never get enough.) Despite the involved idleness, my bad thoughts still hit. / Yet as it seems, being accepting of them - and letting them pass - has been much easier. I can only think to myself, 'These days are worth living for. I wouldn't want to be anything else but alive.'
It's true. Adversity helps you better appreciate the brighter side.
***
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Only ones who know.
Dear _________,
This is my love letter to life, of sorts. It's that time of year to reflect in a grand manner. I have not properly written for a month now, and it seems I haven't had the overwhelming desire to. These days I've been occupied for hours on end, with every day offering nothing less than quality.
See, the concept of another year seemed foreign. It had been fast encroaching and as much as I was aware, it's passed me by. I've been so caught up in enjoyment that it's crazy to think I've already spent a month out of school, and primarily in bliss. Ending the year on a a high note, the main agenda in this instance is to collate my thoughts. ('Cause that's just what I do, hey?) The last 2 months of 2015 have just been so wholesome and engaging. In no way would I have predicted this; day after day of diversion - more gigs, road trips, memorable nights, impromptu picnics, fam dinners... All of it has been of sheer brilliance.
I've made it into 2016 with the most intricate, gorgeous souls. I don't think I could have done it without the rewarding company of both the old and new. I look at where I am today and marvel at the great unprecedented events leading up to this. It all started with unknowingly rekindling/forming friendships. Just with a dash of luck, I'd been gifted an infinite sum. It's funny to think back on how I may have made this all happen. I'd decided to do more things oriented to my interests, and gathered up my favourite people. We didn't know it at the time, but we'd all get along so well. We trooped to the Last Dinos' gig in search of a good time, and came out of it with new friends. These people have ended up being so involved in my prevalent state of happiness. And would you believe it? It sparked from a single shared love: music. We'd met up each following weekend and from thereon, we bloomed collectively. (As a group and individually.) I sure didn't realise it then but my life was taking a turn for the better. As a result of this, I've been able to be in the best place possible. I'm now centred, encircled by people who strive for the better for me. How fortunate am I to have secured some of the most solid friendships in existence.
I'd begun pulling myself apart. I hated feeling what I did. (How could I? It seemed I had no real problems.) The problem was ultimately me. They say you should always extract the problem, and I was so determined to to yank it by the root. I'd contemplated ending it all, and switching off to a quiet place forever. (Oh, an euphemism I'd thought so fondly of.) I was irrevocably helpless for a period of time because no matter what, I could not help myself. I was a hot mess. I couldn't find it within me, and as it seemed, others couldn't stick around either. I did have lifelines - yes, I did. I had many. I just didn't want to resort to them. I've succumbed to hopelessness and my self-convinced title as a burden. Yet with magical timing, the tables had turned. I don't know how, but I'm sure it began with me learning to stop suppressing.
***
What have I been doing these days? (The redundant question stands.)
I've certainly been on my feet. Bare feet, running, sauntering, dancing. I've been writing letters - a rare medium I want to let others savour. I've shared words and opinions. I've shared kisses. I've shared drinks. I've shared tears (over the phone and in person). Most importantly, I've shared moments. It's been the real deal. Perhaps I was caught off guard when all this sharing became commonplace but, I can't imagine being my raw self any other way.
You may know I have no qualms about being open. Absolutely none. I'm as open as can be. This, coupled with my own way of living and accepting, was well worth the risk of being vulnerable. I used to believe that I was too much of an open book. I now know I was quite wrong. If I hadn't experienced the lows, I wouldn't be able to appreciate the highs in such great depth. I wouldn't have been able to scale the heights I have now.
I never have New Year's resolutions. I don't end up abiding by them, since I feel that the turning over of a new leaf shouldn't necessarily rely on a brand new year. But I've thought of one simple, conclusive yet powerful resolution: Take my own advice. I am often told I give great advice, and it's about time I practise what I preach. (Oh, and get ample rest, too.)
Someone dear once said to me: 'Your mind is one of the greatest Indra's nets I know.' It almost made me cry. I know the full weight of its meaning now. I am so glad I hung on for my own sake, and been dealt with strength. It's fact that I'm prone to have things weigh on my mind, and in 2015, I'd finally learnt to let go. I'd learnt so much about staying honest/true to myself. It's been the most endearing and relieving revelation. For once, it all feels right.
I hope 2016 will be another golden year for us.
I hope 2016 will be another golden year for us.
All my love,
Rachel x
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Sunday to Sunday.
It's a cardinal period; summer is being put on hold. I know I'll survive. I'll just need to live in the meantime. I miss everyone and most of all, I miss getting lost in the moment. // A week can encompass so many familiar feelings and new beginnings, that I'm past the point of just wishing. What I've wanted for so long awaits me. It's here. It's clear as day. (The perception in my mind? Not so much.)
Whenever I'm whisked away I wish to withdraw, and wait till the desirable rolls round. I need to take care of myself. I need to be more selfless. // The last weekend was gorgeous, leaving me wanting even more. These days I'm drawn back to another world; a world where my priorities scramble for their own sake, where suddenly everything else matters. Where I either bury my thoughts or mull over them endlessly. // But here's a toast. I'm thankful, you have no idea. For every dose of negativity I brew myself, comes another crucial parade. Cheers to the golden people in my life, to the family and those not of blood, the understanding words and silent blessings, to the tearful resolution in our strife. The bittersweet, made better.
'It's you my love that I need, it's you my love that I feel / Till the morning rise / Singing along till my soul's on fire' - The Vanns
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Baby we're outside of time.
Habitual languor is
a blessing, as i deem
A concave of a dream
The nullity caving in
The surrounding love enfolds
and tells me, "it's okay,
to feel this way"
A concept so arcane
almost spineless,
|
met with sheer cordiality
These bloodshot eyes,
tears of sentimentality
they make way for the new
sense of consolation
Our nameless quest
to find the beauty in the dark
We're in this upheaval
together we'll embark
|
It seems I've begun to take a liking to word spills. Why's that?
To be frank, I'm not sure either. Perhaps I haven't been idle enough to convolute my thoughts. Perhaps the contentment in my fragile frame is steadily rising. Perhaps I'm in the happiest place I have ever been for the longest while. Though bittersweet, I've found my footing. I don't feel like I'm sinking anymore. I simply don't have to pretend. I have the promise of some of the fondest people, and genuine things to look forward to.
You know what's funny? As cliché as it sounds, music brought us together. The past three weeks contain memories that will surely be hard to forget. These are the days I stuck around for, the days I didn't see coming but brought so much joy. The days I'm confident of, ones I didn't need to feign. The sunsets and shows and willingness to embrace have been worth it. I'm sure of it. These are the instances where we took our stand, fought time, and came out triumphant at last.
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Forthright Series #1 // BENITA.
Meet Benita.
With a 9-year span of knowing each other, I can safely say she's my best friend. She's always there to accommodate me during my frequent visits to Singapore – turning bouts of idleness into bursts of fun. She's also the only person I know who can simultaneously juggle an incredulous gig life, fathom things in depth, pull of anything, stay grounded and maintain an immaculate aesthetic in between. (Yep, she's deserving of that word – which, trust me, I don't use in vain.) Twice I've had the pleasure of us seeing live music together, with both of those occasions inclusive of getting close to Phoenix and Slow Magic.
GETTING TO KNOW YOU
Tell us something most people wouldn't know about you. Hmm, I think most of my friends would know this but (hi Rachel’s readers) I suffer from insomnia – and the longest time I've went without sleep is 52 hours!
A theme song for your current modus vivendi... go. Transatlanticism by Death Cab for Cutie... you get the drift.
What is most important to you?
I think right now what I treasure most is sanity. Although it's such a basic facet of life we don't normally think about since we are constantly active, it's the underlying foundation necessitated for our actions. Stress just culminates and internalises in me; it's hard to keep track of time and hit the balance that everyone desires, to push through the gruelling torment that is A levels. My sanity has been kept in check (and sometimes oppositely pushed to the brink) by Photography, which I take as a co-curricular activity in school and as a hobby. Even in the art form I love and enjoy, it's hard to discern when it's helping or hurting me. My sanity is definitely of core importance now.
What's your ultimate strength, and underlying weakness?
*nervously laughs* Let's start with weakness, since it's much easier to self-deprecate than to barrel through my doubts on having any strengths. Hmm.. I think my underlying weakness is excessively caring about what others think of me, something I think many people can relate to! To be honest I think it becomes quite clear when I look at my Instagram encapsulating the care I take to curate and assemble my ‘feed’. I'm not particularly sure why I bother to brush through my profile with a fine tooth comb to delete non-‘aesthetically pleasing’ photos that don't fit into the theme when it causes me to feel imperfect. I think unconsciously, I care about the facade (yes, facade) I put up on social media even though I don't want to. I tend to accredit my meticulousness in maintaining my feed to maybe one day becoming a photographer, with Instagram as a tool to gain acclaim and recognition, but lets be fair – it's probably stemming from something more conceited hahaha *wink*. Even when I was younger, my mother was worried for me when I took up painting as I was a perfectionist of sorts, wallowing in sadness at any negative comments on my work. So it has probably metamorphosized into my social media frenzy, which is something I can control.
*nervously laughs* Let's start with weakness, since it's much easier to self-deprecate than to barrel through my doubts on having any strengths. Hmm.. I think my underlying weakness is excessively caring about what others think of me, something I think many people can relate to! To be honest I think it becomes quite clear when I look at my Instagram encapsulating the care I take to curate and assemble my ‘feed’. I'm not particularly sure why I bother to brush through my profile with a fine tooth comb to delete non-‘aesthetically pleasing’ photos that don't fit into the theme when it causes me to feel imperfect. I think unconsciously, I care about the facade (yes, facade) I put up on social media even though I don't want to. I tend to accredit my meticulousness in maintaining my feed to maybe one day becoming a photographer, with Instagram as a tool to gain acclaim and recognition, but lets be fair – it's probably stemming from something more conceited hahaha *wink*. Even when I was younger, my mother was worried for me when I took up painting as I was a perfectionist of sorts, wallowing in sadness at any negative comments on my work. So it has probably metamorphosized into my social media frenzy, which is something I can control.
'Keep your heart away for your mental health...' – agree or disagree with Last Dinos?
(Last Dinos my babes.) I would say yeno (mix of yes & no) because it's such a complicated mess to untangle. This year has personally been a flurry of new experiences and emotions, and that has definitely changed my outlook on mental health – unfortunately personally suffering from a disorder, as I recently found out at a recent psych visit. Well, I thought I wanted to get into a relationship with someone for the first time in my life this year but I wasn't ready feeling an onset of apprehension and he didn't take it too well, culminating in a rather heated verbal exchange. I definitely had enough on my mind during that tumulus period with piled homework and newfound responsibility thrusted onto me – and feelings just complicated everything immeasurably.
But, this is a huge but(t) (like all pop artistes nowadays *see what I did there*), the heart can see past troubles when we are mentally torn to find any remaining hope after self-destruction. It stems from the love we receive from close friends and loved ones who I can open up to indiscriminately, when my mind runs wild with bad thoughts, just as I’ve done with you this year. As much as I hate to be sentimental sometimes, I’m so glad and blessed to be surrounded by people like you Rachel, because your openness, kindness and abundant care for me and the rest of your friends have saved me multiple times. When my mind was blocked and barraged with 7 page history essays, literature assignments and internal pressure to my breaking point, my feelings of acceptance and love received from loved ones helped me push through to overcome barriers and obstacles. I don't think I’d be able to survive until now without heart being the root cause for my problems and in diametric opposition, being my saving grace.
Why do you think people shy away from the topic of mental health?
It's the stigma, the diverse spectrum that everyone’s experience is different and the feeling that no one understands when you have it. Before August, I hadn't told anyone about my thoughts and feelings that felt suffocating – until one day, I hit my breaking point with the internal pressure as too much to handle. Telling someone about my mental issues is a huge deal, the value being insurmountable in trust and love. Unfortunately, the first person I trusted broke it, and ultimately revealed to me his/her(trying to be vague here) true self of insensitivity and even, if it's not too harsh to say, apathy. He/she kept pressing for why I didn't tell him/her beforehand, ignoring the fact that I wasn't ready before and had not told a single soul. The tone felt entitled, and made me feel guilty even though I knew I shouldn't have felt that. It was a prime example of the barrier I think others like me experience when opening up, with he/she even proclaiming that they don't understand why people get depressed. The commonly heard phrases ‘cheer up you're not depressed’, ‘only you are saying you're depressed’ or ‘it's probably just a teenage phase’ really hinders most of us to talk about it because of some seemingly insignificant words. It makes me feel as if my problems aren't real, and that people would just think I’m seeking attention, or whining.But, this is a huge but(t) (like all pop artistes nowadays *see what I did there*), the heart can see past troubles when we are mentally torn to find any remaining hope after self-destruction. It stems from the love we receive from close friends and loved ones who I can open up to indiscriminately, when my mind runs wild with bad thoughts, just as I’ve done with you this year. As much as I hate to be sentimental sometimes, I’m so glad and blessed to be surrounded by people like you Rachel, because your openness, kindness and abundant care for me and the rest of your friends have saved me multiple times. When my mind was blocked and barraged with 7 page history essays, literature assignments and internal pressure to my breaking point, my feelings of acceptance and love received from loved ones helped me push through to overcome barriers and obstacles. I don't think I’d be able to survive until now without heart being the root cause for my problems and in diametric opposition, being my saving grace.
The worst part is that I don’t think my experience in opening up about mental health is unique, with the stigma lingering even today. The feeling of hurt and betrayal is still present, and it affects my trust I place in friends nowadays. It's in our human nature to judge, and knowing that really hinders me from talking about it – choosing to relegate it to the back of my mind. I don't want to feel like I'm a burden to people even when they don't think I am, and it is this self-consciousness of being an outlier that makes me feel uncomfortable. The irony is that I’m fine telling this to the Internet because it feels like I’m protected by the window of my screen. Maybe my thoughts on this could help someone and assure them that they're not alone. Seek help if you're experiencing any bad thoughts, even anonymously if you have to, because handling this by yourself would only make it worse. (Whooops, sidetracked and a really long answer, but I do think this is really important.)
THEME ONE // MUSIC
Music... it's a colossal part of you and your life. What exactly does it mean to you?
It's such a big part of my life and I don't even know how to pinpoint its true meaning succinctly. I think it's an emotional outlet not only for the artistes, but for the listeners, to relate and feel indescribable emotions when we let the words and tunes flow into our ears. I feel an ineffable rush of emotions, usually happiness, unless of course I'm creating a *certain* playlist for sad occasions, and relief. It's my heartbeat when I’m doing insufferable homework to cheer me on, especially since I tend to sing along and headbang to songs when studying math and history. It's my constant amigo on public transport and it's a big part of train culture now where we all live in our own world of music on board. It gives me a rush and push that is paralleled to coffee (or what I’ve heard since I don't drink it).
I've been saved countless times by music that I can relate to in perplexing points in my life that I didn't know how to convey in words or speak up to my friends and relatives. Although I didn't expect myself to like a band like Twenty One Pilots before I listened to them (especially when I heard them on the radio and changed the station immediately *sorry*) their lyrics really spoke to me this year and the fanbase is truly beautiful in my opinion, with most having gone through truly tough times and overcoming them with dark lyrics which in turn uplifted them. Music is such a vital form of communication to me. Even in church, singing Hillsong washes a sense of calm over me.
Concerts are always the highlight of my year (forgetting the painful part of desperately looking for people to go with me), and it's like a constant countdown to the feelings of release and catharsis at the event. I've actually recently mustered the courage to make friends at concerts, audience and even band members, and they're now some of the best people I know! It's also nice to have a community of people you can discuss or rave with about a significant interest of yours, and mine is music. I've also recently shot concerts and I think it's my favourite form of photography because of the energy in the band and crowd, as well as the lens flares and the colours in the lighting! I definitely live for the high of music, and my parents don't mind it since Singapore is generally safe with, although pushy, okay crowds. I can't imagine how much I've spent on concerts though and I don't think I want to know!
What is one song (or more, if you must) that can lift your spirits, continuously without fail? It's definitely going to be a list hahah! Can I just make a playlist for you? *after 1 hour* Dear lord it's 208 songs. This is a comprehensive list of my favourite music, just for you. (+ CLICK HERE for it's not my fault I'm not happy playlist)
Is it possible to name the total amount of musicians you've seen/met on both hands? I'll try! // San Cisco, Last Dinosaurs, Ra Ra Riot @ Camp Symmetry 2013 // Two Door Cinema Club, Lucy Rose, Joe Brooks, The Sam Willows, Obedient Wives Club, Lost Weekend, The Jungle Giants, Lauren Mayberry from CHVRCHES, The Drums, Slow Magic, and most recently Circa Waves!
What are your most memorable encounters with bands/artists?
What are the ingredients for a great photo?
What do you believe in? Myself (deep down).
If you don't mind sharing, what is one thing you have endured and as a result walked away stronger?
My most memorable moments are the ones where I can coherently talk despite being starstruck / get complimented by people I admire / make lasting memories. One of them was meeting Bombay Bicycle Club – and wow was the hype to even get the chance to meet them huge. I joined multiple contests for it. Through the contests, I actually made 2 friends, 1 of which I treasure and have gotten to know as one of my cherished friends and the other as a friendly fellow concert goer who I see quite frequently at concerts. I've been listening to Bombay ever since their first album dropped and my life (or music tastes) changed forever as they were one of the formative bands to introduce me to this whole new genre. Once I heard the news of winning the meet and greet contest, I was just jumping saying “Oh my god” repeatedly in public. To show my ultimate fan-liness, I drew them for 6 hours and gave it to the band as a present. That was ultimately the best thing as Jamie (guitarist) & Suren (drummer) looked at it in awe and said “Wow that's actually the best fan art we’ve seen. (jokingly) You can imagine the number of shitty ones we get” and to my self-depreciating personality, it was a confidence boost. Bombay was so friendly to everyone and remembered me after the show when me and 10 other people waited at the back doors for them, saying “Oh hey it's you again! Your card was spectacular”// Yup. In short: made friends, band complimented me, I was internally screaming.
The other experience was just plain fun at a gig for the album debut of a local band Lost Weekend. The gig was actually sold out and I tweeted about my dismay. To my fortune, the drummer from another local band Obedient Wives Club (who I’ve had lovely encounters with and is an all round great person) (the band was opening for Lost Weekend) pulled strings to get me on the guest list! I felt so grateful and slightly guilty about the fact of getting in last minute, and not paying for the gig, so I decided to buy cupcakes for the band. They were genuinely so humble and surprised at the fact that I bought them gifts/food and thanked me. The lead singer offered me her beer wanting to thank me and I awkwardly said no with a laugh but in the end I chugged a quarter of it hahah it's one of the most pleasant gig memories I've had! They went on to put on an amazing show.
THEME TWO // PHOTOGRAPHY
What are the ingredients for a great photo?
Passion + concept! I work solely on these two factors. I think photos need to be well thought-out in terms of conceptualizing the image, and the angles/subjects need to be framed beforehand, so every moment can become an opportune moment especially at gigs and sports events.
Care to share some of your favourite moments on/off camera?
I don't have many particular/interesting moments, but one of them was when I was hanging out with friends at Chinatown and they were particularly camera shy. So after I took some photographs, one of them chased me to delete them (I didn’t) and we had a camera battle, to which they took one of the worst photos Ive seen of me, which is an impressive feat considering the multitude of bad pictures I've seen of myself. I mostly just enjoy shooting with friends as we bond/see another side to each other!
Recently though at Circa Waves, it was a tough event to shoot as halfway through it seemed that the crowd I was encased in was sparring. They moshed intensely and my lens (thankfully borrowed and already in need of change) hit objects and heads multiple times. I thought my camera was going to disintegrate. It was an insanely fun crowd though!
What do you believe in? Myself (deep down).
My battle with insomnia, which I'm still enduring. I've trained myself to cope with the intense pressure of school, my social life and outside commitments for the past 5 years with insomnia, which in hindsight is an amazing feat. My teachers used to worry (and still do) at my coping mechanisms but I've delivered higher than average results with hard work, determination and a circle of supportive friends – whom consol me and collect my homework when I don't attend school. In Secondary 4, my attendance was a mere 40% and I've come out well in the O level examinations, going into my school of choice. I've proven wrong and beaten nay-sayers and insensitive teachers, and that feels so rewarding.
Where would you like to be years from now?
Photographing events/concerts/subjects professionally (my wishful thinking), getting into a dream college, going to more gigs and hopefully being happy in the process.
Where would you like to be years from now?
Photographing events/concerts/subjects professionally (my wishful thinking), getting into a dream college, going to more gigs and hopefully being happy in the process.
***
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